baby i got your number, and i know that you've got mine.

papertulip @ 2004-07-12T21:12:00

2004-07-12T13:13:02Z

I do not exist here any longer. Catch me if you can.

now and forever

2004-03-30T14:31:08Z

Well, maybe it's time to be clear about who I am. I am someone looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming... can't-live-without-each-other love.

- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex And The City -

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Smith: Hey babe, I flew back

Samantha: You flew all night, why?

Smith: I forgot to tell you something on the phone... I love you.

Samantha: You flew back to tell me that?

Smith: Can you think of a better reason?

Samantha: No, I can't. You have meant more to me than any man I've ever known.

- Sex And The City -

A beautiful last episode. A girl searching for love and true happiness, and finally finding it; somewhat cliche but nonetheless, heartwarming. I'd be keeping this journal until April 6th and then I would move off to a new address. There's too much past in here that I have to leave behind. So I'd be posting my address in a friends' only entry, those who aren't from LJ and want to continue reading, write me an email: papertulips@hotmail.com.

papertulip @ 2004-03-25T21:32:00

2004-03-25T13:36:34Z

he whispered, "you look fucking wonderful tonight." says:
hello jason
how come you didn't send her home today?

you know i used to be.. such a nice boy says:
cause
zz
she was going town
to meet
zz

he whispered, "you look fucking wonderful tonight." says:
urgh
i know how tt feels

you know i used to be.. such a nice boy says:
no u dont
i had mc for today
i came late
quarrelled with the guard.. with the operations manager
just to come to school
so i could send her home

If I could choose my next boyfriend's personality, it would be jason's. {no doubt about that}

lucky for you, tonight i'm just me.

2004-03-25T12:16:12Z

I've been writing a lot recently, just not here. I guess I use writing as a way to unwind, to stop thinking -- it's so much easier that way when you're lost in words. Life's not kind, in fact it's difficult but less than I thought it would be.

...And maybe it's lighter because of him.

oh, not i...

2004-03-21T11:16:55Z

I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give.

NO MORE
NO MORE
NO MORE.

I refuse to sink into this any further.

almost done!!! says:
yawnnn

almost done!!! says:
so feeling better?

never want to [feel] the way we were. says:
hmmm nope. but i should start.

almost done!!! says:
hmmmm

almost done!!! says:
yeah u shld

Thank you, especially my lovely ddgs, for listening to my ramblings and rantings. I won't be broken with desire. As Mariah Carey sings whilst I sit here typing out this entry "You coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face", I've come to terms with things I cannot have; now I'm just pretty content with the things I still do. Love was never meant to hurt and it had been hurting too much of late, maybe it just was not there anymore. So in the end, it was a blessing in disguise.

I used to cry, but now I have to hold my head up high.

the fire twisted into smoke

2004-03-20T11:23:18Z

Time, sometimes the time just slips away and you're left with yesterday; left with the memories. I'll always think of you and smile and be happy for the time I had you with me. Though we go our separate ways, I won't forget, so don't forget the memories we made. Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say and it's sad to walk away with just the memories. Who's to know what might have been; we leave behind a life and time we'll never know again.

Please remember, please remember I was there for you and you were there for me. Please remember our time together, when time was yours and mine and we were wild and free. And how we laughed and how we smiled, and how this world was yours and mine; and how no dream was out of reach, I stood by you, you stood by me. We took each day and made it shine, we wrote our names across the sky, we ran so fast we ran so free -- I had you and you had me.

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{Please remember me}

break

2004-03-11T06:49:33Z

taking a break from writing for a while. i need to take time to sort out the pieces of my life and put myself back together. i would probably be starting a new journal, this one holds too much of my past.

songs say it better than words.

2004-02-12T13:35:05Z

{when words fail me}

If I never knew you
If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be

And if I never held you
I would never have a clue
How at last I find in you
The missing part of me

In this world so full of fear
Full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear
In your eyes, so dry your eyes

And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you

If I never knew you
I'd be safe, but half as real
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and true

And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you

I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we'd make the whole world right
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they’d leave us were these whispers in the night
But still my heart is saying we were right
We were right

There’s no moment I regret
Since the moment that we met
If our time has gone too fast
I’ve lived at last

I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we make the whole world bright
I thought our love would be so beautiful
We’d turn the darkness into light
And still my heart is saying we were right
We were right

And if I never knew you
If I never knew you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Empty as the sky
Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you

I'm hurting so bad now, and I'm saying this not because I want or need sympathy, but it's just because this pain is consuming me; I can hardly breathe. Hardly. I love him.

i'm head over heels and it shows.

2004-01-28T15:15:42Z

1. You are attracted to those who have split personality, like cold
as ice on the outside, but hot as fire in the heart.

2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you
feel irresistable is creative, never let you feel bored.

3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is stylish.

4. What you hate most in your partner is that the person is
ruthless, cold-blooded, and/or ironic.

5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your
partner is one that you care not only about the present but
also the future with your partner, a long-lasting relationship
that you can grow with.

6. You care about the society and morality, you won't do anything
wrong after marriage.

7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married,
you'll treasure it and your partner very much.

8. At this moment, you think of love as a committment for both parties.

Take the test here!

& she'll moan a little bit.

2004-01-24T09:31:31Z

I could feel the breeze from the air-conditioner on my thighs. The room was blanketed in darkness except for a small stream of light that seeped through a slightly ajar door. I made out a figure walking towards me, and froze when I heard a familiar low voice saying my name. He came so close I could smell the alcohol on his lips and hear his steady breathing.

He kissed my neck first and slowly made his way up to my trembling lips. My body hummed with an inner heat, but I shivered with excitement. After what seemed like forever, he finally claimed the kiss I offered to him. The kiss became ravenous and it seemed like we were trying to consume one another; as if there were a missing piece in each of us that we could only find in the other.

His hands ignited heat wherever they trailed; from my neck to my breasts. I could feel him hard against my inner thigh as he pressed closer to me. He pinned me down; I was helpless but I felt so completely alive.

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{And that night, we made wild, passionate love}

sway my way.

2004-01-12T03:42:09Z

I sit here staring and photos, thinking and dreaming. My right hand is picking the meat pieces off my pepperoni pizza. Somehow, this flu is causing my taste buds to not taste at all. I’m so tired; not only with respect to my viral infection, but everything else as well. As much as I tried to suppress my judgmental and prejudice nature, I cannot ignore the nagging feeling that these misjudgments may not be entirely wrong.

They say first impressions count; and people tell me that my first impression was not a true picture of what she truly is. But as I tread further, her slanderous nature holds me back from believing in her goodness. And today, I wonder if my first instincts were actually correct. Call it intuition.

kiss the rain

2004-01-04T07:23:13Z

My body is effete and my spirit feels ravaged and defeated. I never knew that things would have gotten to this stage. My sense of foreboding had been justified after all; the first day of school was truly my worst. I never knew Johnny could have been like this, like some heartless monster. He hit me, and as much as he can deny it to his friends making it seem like I was the one kicking up a big fuss, he hit me and I’ve got bruises to prove it.

I can’t believe it took me this long to see it, this hideous side of him. I guess I always did know that he was capable of such violence, but I never dreamt that he’d ever hit me. I thought he would at least have more honour than that. How could I ever forgive his actions? I’d never forget the menacing look in his eyes or the unforgiving tone of his voice; and at that point, I let him go. I could never associate with someone who could even have the heart to hit me till I bruised.

Later in the night, he rang my house with an apology, but it was too late. Neither of us could change what happened earlier in the day, and I could never forgive the physically abusive side of him. I don’t even care for the reason why he hit me and I don’t even want to think about it. I am afraid of him, truly.

I finally know, from this incident, who my true friends really are. Those who stood up for me, the people who came up to ask me if I was alright, those who held me and comforted me and those who dropped everything to come see if I was okay. But there were others who sat by, who couldn’t even mouth the words, "Are you alright?", even after everything was over.

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{Now it’s time to take it back.}

where this road leads.

2003-12-31T08:27:16Z

I will find the inspiration to write sometime soon; Time's never enough nowadays. In seconds, we drift into forever.

///

Happy New Year, my darlings.

i'm just an illusion

2003-12-15T09:02:57Z

I see this sketched hand slapping me right across the face, but I feel nothing. No pain, no hurt, just complete numbness. I haven’t been spending a lot of time with my girlfriends, something which I really hate to be guilty of. I berate myself for being such a bad friend, for not doing enough for them, and truth be told, I don’t do enough. But I find myself so blessed and so lucky that these amazing people have stood by me through everything, good or bad, thrown in my way.

Just last night, one of my friends said to me, “Sarah, I love it when you’re happy.” It suddenly struck me, I’ve been living in this sphere of pain and tears which I inadvertently placed on them as well. I guess it was very hard for them to reach out because there was a thick fog around me saturated with such volatile emotions. They were afraid they’d somehow mess up and I’d be left alone, stone cold and broken.

Life would never be peachy, not for me that is. I get better sometimes, and then I slump back into an unforgiving darkness. It was never meant to be easy but we live it, just like how we hate examinations but go through with it in the end.

I'll take what you give me.
Please know that I'm learning.
I've looked in the mirror,
My world's getting clearer,
So wait for me this time.

papertulip @ 2003-12-03T02:40:00

2003-12-02T18:44:28Z

fuck it. when everything is going right, it somehow turns around and goes wrong again. i'm sick of living, of trying, of looking for happiness. it's just not within my reach.

death, come close and wrap me in your silken embrace.

fuck you for loving me

2003-11-17T13:04:07Z

Well, school’s out and the holidays have started for me. It’s been a rather unfruitful year because in all honesty, I didn’t learn anything. Even my interpersonal skills have gone down by a notch! Recently I’ve been so consumed by this new game, which is rather childish (but amusing) – Gunbound.

So far I’ve always been this girl sifting through layers and layers of dirt trying to find herself. And through it all, the more I dug, the more painful it was. I’m not saying that everything’s perfect because God knows there are so many flaws, which I still struggle to hide; but I’m okay now, I’m getting better. Maybe it is because there are so many games to occupy my time so that I don’t have enough of it to think about bad things. But I shall be optimistic and hope that maybe, just maybe, things are alright.

It’s been so long since I’ve written about myself because recently all that I have been writing about were snippets of images which come to my mind. I’ve been writing on scraps of paper more of late; been wanting to get a paper journal for quite some time but me being me, has managed to procrastinate for a month.

I’d probably be making a few minor changes here and there. For most part of my life, it’d be friends-only on this journal; but I would continue to post my writings on public. Call me paranoid but I really don’t feel that people should read and judge me from my words as most people already have. I’ve thought about completely getting rid of this journal and starting a new one but somehow I have the certain attachment to this online journal, I can’t bear to delete it and leave all you lovelies behind.

So for now, until I feel comfortable again, that is how it will be.

song for the spirit.

2003-11-14T19:03:38Z

Can't Hold Us Down

So what am I not supposed to have an opinion
Should I be quiet just because I'm a woman
Call me a bitch cos I speak what's on my mind
Guess it's easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled

When a female fires back
Suddenly the target don't know how to act
So he does what any little boy will do
Making up a few false rumors or two

That for sure is not a man to me
Slanderin' names for popularity
It's sad you only get your fame through controversy
But now it's time for me to come and give you more to say

So what am I not supposed to say what I'm saying
Are you offended by the message I'm bringing
Call me whatever cos your words don't mean a thing
Guess you ain't even a man enough to handle what I sing

If you look back in history
It's a common double standard of society
The guy gets all the glory the more he can score
While the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore

I don't understand why it's okay
The guy can get away with it & the girl gets named
All my ladies come together and make a change
Start a new beginning for us everybody sing

Check it - Here's something I just can't understand
If the guy have three girls then he's the man
He can either give us some head, sex her off
If the girl do the same, then she's a whore
But the table's about to turn
I'll bet my fame on it
Cats take my ideas and put their name on it
It's aiight though, you can't hold me down
I got to keep on movin'
To all my girls with a man who be tryin to mack
Do it right back to him and let that be that
You need to let him know that his game is whack
And Lil' Kim and Christina Aguilera got your back

But you're just a little boy
Think you're so cute, so coy
You must talk so big
To make up for small lil' things
So you're just a little boy
All you'll do is annoy
You must talk so big
To make up for small lil' things

This is for my girls all around the world
Who've come across a man who don't respect your worth
Thinking all women should be seen, not heard
What do we do girls?
Shout louder!
Letting them know we're gonna stand our ground
Lift your hands high and wave 'em proud
Take a deep breath and say it loud
Never can, never will, can't hold us down

no, he's a pirate!

2003-11-12T16:47:27Z

Silence walked me home.

She stood there on her own as the rain washed away her make-up. The whole scene was melodramatic, very much like a part in an unrealistic romantic serial. It looked as if tears had been ripped from the sky and the day was crying for her.

I have so much to say and yet so little words to say it – maybe a friends only entry tomorrow would make me feel rejuvenated. Right now I just need to sleep. Sleep is good. Maybe when I wake, I would be a princess with pretty dresses, exquisite shoes and tons of hair pins.

///

To my lovely darlings: I’m sorry for the lack of comments and updates; everything’s just been so tiring.

hold me tight, someone.. please

2003-10-29T14:55:40Z

It held me captive, and preyed on my fear and insecurity. I felt it’s intangible teeth gnawing away at the seams of my dress, my pretty blue dress. And everyone in the room just stood and stared as this strange being continued to rape my spirit. Mindless people: all incapable of forming any opinion abstracted from their own prejudice. It looked up as it tore away my last piece of clothing and gave me a diabolical grin; I wanted to run and hide myself from everyone in fear they would see my nude imperfection.

This creature fed on their taunts and mockery, their unforgiving eyes; eyes that pinned me down, eyes that helped this infernal spirit invade me. I was frightened, weak and vulnerable; I screamed and screamed for help but my cries drowned in the sea of laughter. No one came. If only I could be invisible, if only I didn’t fear this so much.

This serpentine creature, you ask?

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{Rejection;}

[fragmented]

I kind of liked it your way,
How you shyly placed your eyes on me.
Did you ever know;
That I had mine on you?

[/fragments]

papertulip @ 2003-10-23T21:48:00

2003-10-23T13:49:02Z

i'm useless. a complete good for nothing.

black tears.

2003-10-20T16:07:56Z

i don't know why i'm here crying over nothing. crying because _____? i just sat here hating the world and everyone in it and tears just washed over me. why am i so imperfect, so unworthy of all good things; i want to be simple, happy. but i'm never going to catch that dream. under the pale fluorescent light, my tears fall onto the black keyboard, some even drop onto my shaking hands as i write this entry. how is it my tears feel warm when all i feel inside is cold emptiness... cold.

nobody loves me. just let me bleed.

i don't want anybody else.

2003-10-20T14:41:16Z

I sit here in stone cold silence replaying this exact song in the background, watching sex and the city episode 86 “The One” for the tenth thousand time.

Miranda: I love you. I love you, Steve. I’m sorry I should never have said that, it’s just that I love you and I fucked everything up and now it’s too late. I’m sorry I’m doing this, I’m sorry; please don’t look at me.

Silence for a while

Steve: I love you too.

Miranda: You do?

Steve: I mean come on.

Miranda: What about Debbie?

Steve: Yeah I know but, Miranda, you’re the one.

This is the place where I sit
This is the part where I love you too much
Is this as hard as it gets?
Because I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough

I'm here if you want me
I'm yours, you can hold me
I'm empty and taken and tumbling and breaking

I dream of worlds where you'd understand
And I dream a million sleepless nights
I dream of fire when you're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke when I turn on the light

I'm speechless and faded;
It's too complicated.
Is this how the book ends, nothing but good friends?

This is the place in my heart
This is the place where I'm falling apart
Isn't this just where we met?
And is this the last chance that I'll ever get?

I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see-through and not enough to you.

Cause you don't see me;
And you don't need me;
And you don't love me.
The way I wish you would,
The way I know you could.

the shadows keep on changing.

2003-10-16T15:00:05Z

School – a euphemism for the hellish mausoleum I’m forced to step in to everyday. I do laugh, and smile but these are superficial and transient; appearing one second and fleeting, the next. My mood swings are on an emotional seesaw, sometimes it’s good, and sometimes, it just isn’t. I finally got to catch the last two episodes of sex and the city of season six, after not watching it for at least two weeks.

Classes have been cut down by at least half, but instead of feeling lighter and happier about the new and improved timetable, everything’s still about the same for me. I feel invisible, even to myself. It’s like as if I’m some sort of ephemeral shadow in place of the girl who was once there.

My body feels ravaged and used, like a broken rag doll; a puppet whose strings have been cut so it’ll never be whole again. The vindictive character sewed into my flesh never fails to spite those who lash out at me. Noxious sentiments of grudge and malice continue to rape my mind and thoughts. But I’m not completely void of a conscience, or there wouldn’t be any other way to explain this guilt. Or then again, it could be the lack of sleep.

Welcome to my pain.

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{Please set me free}

papertulip @ 2003-10-12T22:18:00

2003-10-12T14:19:37Z

my grandma is missing. she walked out of the house and i don't think she can remember how to get home because of her dementia (loss of memory). oh God, i'm so scared.

may she be safe.

fragile: handle me with care.

2003-10-08T13:51:42Z

So often I’d sew webs of deceit, a defence mechanism I’d built because of the countless times I’ve been hurt. A porcelain wall of facade, which no one broke till now. So often, I’d lock my emotions beneath a shade of indifference; praying silently no one would see my unshed tears glistening in my eyes, threatening to pour out. Not until you. Why did you make me feel; how did you make me love.

You told me you loved me, you’d sacrifice everything, you trusted me. And I couldn’t see it; like the fool I was, I pushed you away. I did everything in my power to hurt you; even though every time I did, I felt invisible hands tearing up my insides – I guess I just wasn’t meant to be the cold person in my self-portrait. I’m sorry, truly.

Trust, as defined in dictionary.com is the firm reliance on one’s integrity. There was no mention of it’s intricacy and fragility. I’m giving you my cracked glass heart, it’s not much but it’s all I have; I’ve been stripped of everything else.

Once broken, it can never be pieced back together; so please handle with care.